Looking after yourself so you can look after your children

There is a version of separation that parents go through where they are so focused on their children's wellbeing that they completely neglect their own. I understand the instinct. Children are vulnerable. They need stability, reassurance and consistency. Of course they come first.

But here is what I have seen, time and again: when parents do not look after themselves, their children suffer for it.

Not because those parents are bad parents. Because they are exhausted, anxious and depleted. Because they are running on empty and it shows. Because children are extraordinarily attuned to the emotional state of the adults around them, and a parent who is not coping cannot fully hide it, however hard they try.

Looking after yourself during separation is not selfish. It is one of the most important things you can do for your children.

This means sleep, where possible. It means eating. It means having at least some people in your life who you can talk to honestly. It means seeing a therapist or counsellor if things feel unmanageable, and not waiting until they are.

It means, sometimes, saying no. To unnecessary conflict. To conversations that go nowhere productive. To the pull to keep fighting battles that are not worth the cost.

And it means self-compassion. Separation is hard. It is a loss, even when it is the right decision. Grief is appropriate. You do not have to be strong every minute of every day.

I tell clients who are worried about the effect on their children: the best thing you can do for your children right now is be okay. Not perfect. Not happy all the time. Just okay. Stable, present, fundamentally okay.

Get the support you need to get there. That is not a distraction from your children. It is the foundation of everything you can give them.